Milestones are celebratory occasions. Our first steps, our first lost tooth, graduating elementary school, earning our driver’s license, graduating high school and then college… This list goes on and on. We take pride in our achievements and celebrate our accomplishments. The milestone that is not a joyous occasion is the one year marker for trying to conceive a child. It is at this allotted time that the doctors deem us infertile.
By the tenth month of trying to get pregnant, I resorted to medical help. I have always been a bit of an over-achiever and a perfectionist. I was not a failure. If I tried something, I was always able to accomplish my task. Not being able to get pregnant without medical intervention was a severe blow to my ego. It affected the way I looked at myself because, for once, I was failing at something and I felt it was all my fault.
My doctor smiled at me and told me not to worry; she would help me get pregnant in no time. I received a prescription for a fertility drug named Clomid. I eagerly filled that prescription and waited for my next cycle to start. If my doctor thought this drug would be a sure thing, I was right on board with taking it! And so I did. After six long months of almost all of the non-severe side effects that I could have by taking Clomid, there was still no baby. The dreaded one year milestone of trying to conceive had come and gone and now I was medically deemed infertile.
For a personality like mine, failure of this magnitude was something I could not comprehend. How was it that something I was trying to do was not coming to pass? I began to question if God was judging me for seeking medical help when I had been asking for a miracle. I wondered about His goodness to me and if the scripture from Romans 8:28 was true for me. (“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”) I didn’t doubt that God was good; I was starting to doubt that He was good to me.
Fellow journeyer, have you crossed the threshold of the one year milestone yet? Are you wondering where God is in the midst of your pain? Let the words of Psalm 139:7-12 settle in your soul. He is never far from you. He hears your cries and He holds you close.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."
You may be experiencing a time of darkness and, like me, doubting the goodness of God. If you reflect on only your pain you will be missing out on all the other areas of your life where God has proven His goodness to you time and time again. I pray you will focus on what He has done for you so far and know that He has goodness towards you planned for your future.
*Please know that the medical advice I received and the fertility drug I was prescribed was taken only after significant research. I am not advocating for the positives or negatives of Clomid. Only take this drug on advice from your personal medical practitioner.