I have had a lot of silent conversations with God, mostly one-sided and pretty much all about me. When struggling with the emotions infertility brings out in you, the selfish prayers are certainly understandable. Doesn’t the Bible tell us in 1 Peter 5:7 to “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”? Being childless when your deepest desire is to have a child provides for much anxiety.
So, I would pray – a lot. I would repetitively tell God about the calling He placed on my life, or remind Him of the good I had done and all the good I wanted to do. I would bargain with Him in the hopes that my giving up something or even doing something new would earn me a child. In all of this I knew that these ‘prayers’ were not going to get me anything that I felt I deserved. God doesn’t work that way. He is a gracious and merciful God. He loves to hear the prayers of His children. Begging and bargaining was not a successful way of getting something from my parents when I was a child so why would it work with my Heavenly Father?
I firmly believe that God is a sovereign God. He is in control of all things. He allows us to go through tests and trials to refine our faith and create in us more Christ-like character. This firmly held belief was the single thread of faith that kept me connected to my Creator when I was in the pits of despair because of my childlessness. Conversely, acknowledging a sovereign God was also the most difficult concept to wrap my head and heart around. Believing God was indeed sovereign and in control of all things, I couldn't understand why was He not working a miracle in my womb and creating a child within it. Why was He allowing me to suffer when He could change the course of my life in an instant?
Has your faith been tested in a likewise manner while you’ve been praying for a child? Prayers that are so heart-wrenching and filled with such anguish that you feel empty inside after “Amen”? God is listening. He hears your cries. He knows your heart’s desires. He is sovereign over all things – including your infertility. Waiting on Him for an answer can be debilitating. The not knowing if it will be a yes, no or not yet, can be maddening. Be encouraged that He will respond. His timing is perfect, even if it doesn’t seem perfect to us in the midst of the unknown. His purpose and plan will be revealed when He has brought you to a place where you are ready for what is to come.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14