A Fertile Heart, by Carolyn Majoran

My Story


  • Jul19Sat

    From Loss to Life

    July 19, 2014

    Sharing news of an indefinite infertility diagnosis with family can be a daunting task. My family had been party to my journey since the day Ray and I had decided to try to get pregnant. I have always had a very close relationship with my parents so it was unfathomable to me to not share this potentially exciting news with them! They prayed for us, supported us and provided a shoulder to lean on in the difficult times. My journey through childlessness would have been so much more difficult if I hadn’t been supported by my parents.

    Once Ray and I decided to follow God’s leading and close the door on fertility treatments, we were completely at peace. The pain of the years leading up to that life-changing moment in the specialist’s exam room all began to make sense. I had prayed for God to change the desires of my heart to reflect His. If I was not to have a biological child, I prayed God would remove the desire to have one. And, because He knows best, He changed my heart to solely desire an adopted baby.

    When I experience such a change of heart, I can’t sit idly by and remain stagnant. I wanted to get moving on adopting a baby! If God had let us go through the past four years without a child and then changed our hearts in a short amount of time, I was convinced that we would not be waiting for a baby for long. Once our hearts were changed, it didn’t take long for us to release our dreams for having a biological child and capture God’s vision for expanding our family.

    I remember calling my parents to share our news with them. My journey of grief and pain was over! I had a hope that God would provide a baby for us and my heart knew that baby was going to come from another woman’s womb. I fully anticipated that when I shared this news with my family that they would be as excited as we were. But as I spoke to my parents I realized that just because God had done a great work in my heart, it didn’t mean that my family was at the same point in their journey of accepting that their future grandchildren would not be related by blood.

    Grief hits everyone differently and at different times along the path to acceptance of where God is leading you. I knew that I needed to allow my parents time to have God change their dreams for my life and future my children. It had to have been hard to accept that their only daughter would not experience the joys of being pregnant and giving birth; that their bloodline would end with me. They were not angry with me or hurt by our decision, they were simply sad that the journey had ended in a way they hadn’t envisioned. Because I had already experienced a miraculous change to my heart, I recognized that God would indeed come alongside them in their mourning of one dream and give them joy and anticipation for another. And, of course, in time God gave them our shared passion for adopting a baby!

    God is so faithful and gracious towards us. He did not turn His back on me while I railed against Him and fought Him each step of the way. Like a tantruming child, He held me close until I stopped kicking and screaming against His will. He continued to hold me close and shelter me as I grieved the loss of a dream. Then, He held me on His lap, in typical father and daughter fashion, and shared with me His perfect dream for me. I would have my heart’s desire. I would be a mother. Not through the means I initially thought, but in a much better way for me. All because I released my will and accepted His. To Him be the glory forever and ever!

    “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13

    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4           

    "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” Psalm 36:5